“Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety.”
– James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name
Any kind of change can be hard but the hardest changes are the ones that impact our identity and sense of self. After taking my 18 year-old daughter to college at the end of August, I experienced that kind of transition. Once she was gone and I was left with an “empty nest,” it wasn‘t so much her absence that was the most difficult (although of course I miss her), it was the feeling that part of my identity had ended when she left.
For almost two decades, I have strongly identified with the role of being a mother. In fact, that was a centerpiece of who I felt myself to be. With her no longer here, I experienced a kind of identity crisis. Having left an intelligent, independent young woman at her college of choice, it felt like my primary job of being a mother had ended.  I was out of work. What was I supposed to do now?
I can just hear some of you laughing right now – particularly those of you whose college-graduated children are back at home. On an intellectual level, I understand once a mother, always a mother. And, of course, I know my daughter still needs me. Nonetheless, I was experiencing a sense of void and loss and a feeling of being adrift.  So, I had to find a way to redefine myself to myself in a way that doesn‘t have me as mother as the main focus. With a sense of loss, however, came a sense of opportunity. I‘m enjoying a new sense of freedom as well as a different kind of relationship with my young adult daughter.
Are you experiencing a transition that‘s impacting your sense of identity? How can you reframe your loss into a feeling of opportunity?
Thanks I needed this.
You are right Deborah as I have also experienced this hollow not once or twice. When my daughter left our home to her college for two years and the day i went and dropped her, tears came to my eyes. It looked as though no one would take care of her even herself, except me. Now that she is employed, I still feel obligated to take care of her. Interesting insight indeed.
Hi Carolyn,
I’m delighted you found this useful!
All the best,
Deb
Hey Zeb,
Thanks for sharing your experience. Parenthood is for life, isn’t it? :)
All the best,
Deb
Sadly I was never blessed with any children. I lost a cat who was a part of my life for 17 years and it’s taken me months to adjust. Now my parents will be moving out of NY in12 days. My world will change immensely without having my mother here to do our normal routine things of shopping, etc. So I completely understood the loss of not having your daughter near. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Tinamarie,
All the best,
Deb
Hello Deb,
Katie and I always appreciate receiving your Guiding Change posts.
The James Baldwin quote is excellent and the notion of the “end of
safety” due to change was especially thought provoking for us both.
We can relate to your story about dropping your daughter off at college
and feeling a void. We look forward to hearing about it in your future
writings.
Have a wonderful rest of 2014 and beyond.
Our best…John & Katie Stellar
Everyone’s PR “Pay For Results Not Promises”
http://www.e-pr.com
Thank you John and Katie,
All the best,
Deb