I Would Not Be Remembered to the Sun
“I would with memory in befriending lips,
Fond lips that loved with love to speak my name.
May they speak pledge to immortality,
May they speak quietly my name to fame.”
– Kenneth Benne
My 91 year-old father passed away in his sleep last week. He had been battling cancer and was ready, in fact anxious, to leave this world. Even though his passing was expected, it nonetheless had a great impact on me. Having sat vigil by his bedside for almost a week and watching his body deteriorate was in itself exhausting, challenging and enormously painful. Becoming the caretaker of my father as he became unable to take care of himself was a life-changing experience. It was painful to watch him struggle and to know how difficult it was for him to allow others to take care of him. And, it brought me face-to-face with the inevitability of my own physical decline and mortality. I am comforted knowing that as long as my father’s memory rests with my family and me, he remains immortal.
Dear Deb,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. My own father passed away last August after a year of painful situations and we experienced what you put so well to words. Tears still drop when I think of him.
Patricia
Deb,
My thoughts are with you in this tender and beautiful time.
Betsy
Deb,
Thanks for sharing this story. What you and your family have gone through is exceedingly difficult. You are in my thoughts.
Your father was quite a wonderful man. I remember him fondly–from his taking us out to lunch as undergrads, to chatting with him when visiting you at home in Brooklyn. Full of spirit and positive engergy. I felt he was the definition of “dynamo!”
As I express my sympathies, I, too, am encouraged by the thought that he/we live on in the memories of those who love us. That’s a powerful and TRUE notion–as evidenced by my own family’s experience with our dad who passed on many decades ago. He remains deeply within our embrace nonetheless.
Best wishes to you and the family during the coming holiday season, and I hope we get to see you in 2013!
Deb – How true. I too sat with my father and talked with him until he finally went on to other realms. He was riddled with cancer and blessedly had a very short period of suffering. That was over 14 years ago and he still is very much with us all. We laugh at some of his favorite quips and stories and remember his kind nature. There is great solace in knowing the suffering for one so loved is over even if the hurt of loss still tugs at one’s heart. Blessings, Toni
So sorry Deb. May he be forever in your memory.
Fondly, Julie
Hi Deb,
My condolences on the passing of your dad. It’s great that you were there for him through the end. This experience will make you stronger. I find that our connection with our dear loved ones is deeper once they pass. Take Care.
My sincerest condolences on the passing of your dear dad. May the good Lord comfort you as none of us can. May you continue to draw strength and courage in the fact that change and separation (as in death) are part and parcel of our existence on Earth: the one we can/may learn to manage; the other robs us of our loved ones, and there’s nothing we can do about it–except hopefully see what lessons we can draw from such irreversible cycles of death in those that we survive.
My prayers are with you at this time. I lost my dad over 5 years ago and not a day goes by that he does not live in my memories. Memories are God’s gift to us. May He grant you peace during this time.
There was a piece in yesterday’s Times on this subject. The writer is a psychotherapist who described her experience having her mother at home with her in her final years, until the mother’s death. Commenters found the writer “self-centered,” “candid,” and more.
Heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Dad. My prayers are with you. May your wonderful memories of your father keep him eternally alive.
My heart goes out to you, your mom, Jonathan and Maya. Love from Omar, Ruth and me. XOXO
Let memory be your touchstone and caring spirit be your guide.
The Gift
By Li-Young Lee b. 1957 Li-Young Lee
To pull the metal splinter from my palm
my father recited a story in a low voice.
I watched his lovely face and not the blade.
Before the story ended, he‘d removed
the iron sliver I thought I‘d die from.
I can‘t remember the tale,
but hear his voice still, a well
of dark water, a prayer.
And I recall his hands,
two measures of tenderness
he laid against my face,
the flames of discipline
he raised above my head.
Had you entered that afternoon
you would have thought you saw a man
planting something in a boy‘s palm,
a silver tear, a tiny flame.
Had you followed that boy
you would have arrived here,
where I bend over my wife‘s right hand.
Look how I shave her thumbnail down
so carefully she feels no pain.
Watch as I lift the splinter out.
I was seven when my father
took my hand like this,
and I did not hold that shard
between my fingers and think,
Metal that will bury me,
christen it Little Assassin,
Ore Going Deep for My Heart.
And I did not lift up my wound and cry,
Death visited here!
I did what a child does
when he‘s given something to keep.
I kissed my father.
Deepest and sincere sympathy on the loss of your father. It sounds as if it was very painful indeed. May you find peace now, knowing that he has found his.
Patricia, Betsy, Stephanie, Toni, Julie, Tina, Anthony, Marsha, Peter, Robin, Julie, Duff, Toni and Juliet,
Thank you all for sharing these lovely words and feelings! I feel encircled by all of you.
Peace and joy,
Deb
Deb,
My condolences on the loss of your Dad. How wonderful that he had the gift of your presence at the last moments of his life. May you be comforted at this time.
Kim Rozzi
Deb,
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with ‘the village’; we are all the better for your insights.
My love and thoughts are with you and Maya.
Peace,
Karen and Avery
Deb:
Sincere condolences on your loss. I hope that your family will come together to provide comfort to each other.
Vincent Wright
Kim, Karen and Vincent,
Thank you so much!
Deb
Deb,.
My sincere condolences on your father’s passing. No matter how well prepared we think we are we’re not. After many experiences with personal end-of- life situations in my own family, I found that I do get stronger, but I never seem fully prepared for the final moments.
I finally got my somewhat estranged mother to move back home at 93 years old from Florida. She’s having a great time now with all the family and old friends around her every day, not just on visits.
Those last days Deb will always be very special for both you and your dad.
Hi Deb,
Indeed, you have been on my mind and in my prayers this past week or so. I know it’s hard. I lost my dad suddenly in 2004. I hope you’re making time to rest well.
We are all in the process of decay, really. Each day brings (hopefully) greater wisdom, but it also means we are inevitably growing older. Some leave this earth at a ripe old age while others leave it in youth. I guess the key is to live life fully, fruitfully and generously. Whether others remember us or not – or our legacy – doesn’t really matter, for we have given of ourselves…and are in a better place.
Take care.
Dennis and Eunice,
Lovely to hear from you.
Thank you.
Deb
Deb:
You are in my heart and I am thinking of you and your father as I sit with my 96 year old Mom in California. As I sat with my late sister during her liver cancer in 2010 – I know these are life changing events and they do stay with us forever as we reflect on our own vulnerability and deep loss. I know you are caring for yourself and your family as you go through these tough times. You and your family are in my daily prayers…your spiritual practice is strong and meaningful to me…
Love,
Elena
You both will do well as you continue your work. Our deepest sympathy.
Dear Deb,
“May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion.”
I do believe that love surpasses time. And that the soul essence
of the one we love becomes a part of ourselves as we incorporate the
very best of all taught to us by those we love who leave us. They live within us,
Sherry Reiter
Elena, Jerry and Sherry,
Thank you so much for your kinds words. They are comforting.
Peace and joy,
Deb
Deb:
Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. My father died in 1984 at 57 — the same age I will turn next year. It is never easy to lose a parent, or to confront one’s own mortality, but both are a part of what makes life itself possible. And at 91, your father lived a long and happy life — one that was long enough to see his amazing daughter grow to become an amazing woman in her own right. And that is as much as any of us can hope for.
All the best,
David Wilkins
Deb,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad to cancer more than 20 years ago and I still miss him daily. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Diane
David and Diane,
Your kind words and thoughts mean a lot to me.
Thank you.
Peace and joy,
Deb
Dear Deb:
I am so sorry about the passing of your father. Please accept my deepest condolences. You were such a good neighbor to me when I lived a few floors below you in Brooklyn, particularly after I lost my husband in 2009. I wish I could be there for you now.
Sincerely,
Rose Brady
Dear Deb,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. How beautiful for your father that you were able to be with him to closely during his final week. I too once had this experience with a family member, not my father, but it is a life-altering experience. Sending you supportive energy and vibes to help bolster you as you go through the experience of grieving your loss as well as remembering and continuing to remember.
Cara
Rose and Cara,
Thank you so much.
Rose, I miss your being here and hope you are well.
Cara, it is a life-altering experience, isn’t it?
Peace and joy,
Deb
Dear Deb,
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. Some where inside I longed to meet him once again. So thankful though that you had time to be with him; And as I remember your coming birthday I’m so glad that he brought you into the world.
Love you still,
Sam
Dear Deb:
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I am sure he must be very proud of you and all you have done and continue to do for others. He leaves a positive and continuing legacy in you.
With deepest sympathy,
Gary
Sam,
Wonderful to hear from you.
Happy Belated Birthday to you.
Love,
Deb
Gary,
Thank you for your kind thoughts and words.
Peace and joy,
Deb