Many of us have been taught a dysfunctional view of what it means to be strong and courageous. We teach our boys that being strong means never crying and never acknowledging their feelings with the exception of anger, of course. Real men don’t cry or show pain. They are supposed to appear strong, rather than vulnerable This leaves men with no acceptable outlet when they feel pain or grief, except anger.
Women, on the other hand, are allowed to show their feelings, with the exception of anger. So, just as men often appear angry when they are hurt, women often appear hurt when we are angry.
While it is more harshly applied to men, than women, Western culture, with our myth of rugged individualism teaches us that we are supposed to be self-sufficient. Expressing emotions that make us appear to be needy or vulnerable, therefore, are seen as signs of weakness, and are not encouraged.
Real strength and courage, however, is being able to be willing to be vulnerable enough to express all emotions. We are at our strongest when we are able to admit that we feel hurt or scared. To do this, we need to be courageous enough to let our defenses down.
We all feel hurt and scared at one time or another. Pretending that we don’t have these feelings only leads to isolating us from others. When we cover our true feelings with anger or withdrawal in an attempt to repress these “weaker” emotions and hide our vulnerability, we distance ourselves from others, thereby damaging our interpersonal relationships.
I often see this dynamic at play in organizations in which I consult. When I come into an organization I am sometimes presented with two people who are said to have “personality differences,” that leave them unable to get along. When you see the two individuals together, you can feel the tension running between them. Both of them are quite capable of expressing anger to each other. Neither, however, is willing to acknowledge (even sometimes to themselves) that they feel hurt as well.
When we are able to dig down into the original source of the conflict, it almost always goes back to an incident in which one person’s actions led to another person feeling hurt or disrespected. The person whose feelings were hurt then responds in a defensive manner with anger, rather than with being vulnerable and acknowledging their feelings of hurt.
The anger comes across as aggressive, rather than protective. This then sets a cycle of anger and defensiveness in motion that serves to distance the two individuals from each other. Neither individual feels comfortable expressing their hurt. They feel safer expressing their anger. When, however, one of them is willing to be courageous and open enough to let her/his defenses fall and express feeling hurt, the other person opens up in response to the vulnerability. The tension dissolves and connection is possible.
Being courageous enough to be vulnerable enables others to feel safe enough to be vulnerable as well. Real strength and courage are about being willing to be open and vulnerable. We need to be able to express all of our emotions. Openness and vulnerability are important vehicles for effectively managing conflicts and connecting across differences (whether the differences are based on opinions, perspectives, race, religion, whatever).
Sometimes, it takes support to be vulnerable. In my consulting work, I see one of my purposes as creating environments in which individuals can feel safe enough to step into their courage.
Deborah,
Thank you for sharing your insight into vulnerability. This has been a very big challenge for me – especially in my work as a facilitator/trainer, but also in my personal relationships. I resonate strongly with your belief that ‘being vulnerable is a courageous act,’ however in my personal process I have struggled with the idea of ‘being vulnerable’ because for me it suggests that I have to give up my personal power for the sake of connection with myself and others. Yep. Like most other men I’ve been twisted by the ill advised messages of what masculinity is.
From my teachers I have learned that at its core, the masculine (energetic not gender) seeks to be directive and in control while the feminine (again, energetic not gender) seeks presence and being.
As a strong, black man I have been taught not be vulnerable – for many reasons related to the false ideals of masculinity and historical oppression. It was not until I changed the language around my desire to connect with my own vulnerability that I was able to open myself to it.
I now consciously ‘ALLOW myself to be vulnerable’ as this a word that lets me stay in my power and be directive of my energy while I open myself to my emotional experience. This may be simply a personal semantic, but as I align my emotional experience with my growing knowledge of true masculinity it is much easier to allow my vulnerability to be a part of my external relationship with the world.
This is a HUGE topic that I know I have done little justice to here, but I want to thank you for putting our there to be explored by all. The timing was perfect for me.
In the spirit of growth and authentic connectionn,
~ Maketa
Maketa,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I see what you did not as personal semantics but as reframing so as to take your actions outside the narrow limits of the existing paradigm of what is considered to be acceptable behavior for men in our society.
This is what we need to do to bring about change – step outside the unnatural and limiting definitions placed on us and create our own definitions.
Thanks again,
Deb
Deb,
I like how you see the interpersonal issues as impediments to organizational effectivness. You have made a good point. I believe I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, but that can sometimes be a problem when you are the father in a household and others are looking to you for strength. A balance is required.
Aaron
Aaron,
You raise an important point. Until we are able to reframe the meaning of “strength,” it will serve to keep all of us from being able to be our whole selves, which includes being able to express all of our emotions. What do you think others require you to do or not do in order to be providing the “strength” others look to you for?
Deb
Thank you for sharing on this point. I have left many organizations in anger rather than stay and admit the hurt I have felt. Admitting the hurt felt like defeat. The one memorable exception where I did admit being hurt and stayed produced such great joy and valued relationships that I falsely believed that I had conquered the cycle…if only…it is a daily wrestling match and I find myself often walking away in anger. Yet, I continue the good fight (what choice do I really have – as long as I am human I will be hurt – if I am lucky). Thank you.
Summer,
Nice to hear from you. It’s sad to think about how much talent and potential is lost when individuals bury their pain rather than expressing it.
And, yes, it is a daily struggle because just because we find the courage one day doesn’t mean the challenge is over.
Thank you.
Deb
Deb,
Thank you for writing this article. I have felt my whole life that I was taught to hide vunerability so that people will not know I am weak at times. Lately I have been learning the opposite. It really is harder to be vunerable, and it is at that time that you see how strong you are. Did you study this in school?
MR
MR,
Can’t say that I learned that in school, unless you’re talking about the school of life. :)
Deb