One Day My Soul Just Opened Up is the title of a fabulous book by Iyanla Vanzant that takes the reader through a 40-day process of spiritual and personal growth. I had an experience recently that gave me an understanding of how Iyanla must have felt when she came up with the title of that book.
I had gone to a Bikram Yoga class feeling drained and tired. Toward the middle of the class, during camel pose (a post in which you do a back bend that stretches your ribs apart and opens your chest), I experienced a sensation that left me feeling exposed to feelings of sadness and hurt that I had tucked away somewhere for years. It was an amazing sensation – as if a wall of defensive protection had come down, allowing me access to sadness and grief.
I was surprised at how many feelings I had walled away. When I was younger, all my emotions (except anger) were always perilously close to the surface. However, after my divorce about ten years ago, finding myself as a single mother of two children while struggling to keep a solo business alive, all the emotions that used to be so close to the surface and available to me had gone into hiding.
What had been a soft sensitive exterior had become a tough strong shell of protection from the venomous anger of my ex-husband; having to play the role of both parents; constantly feeling guilty and inadequate for not being able to parent perfectly; having to maintain a facade of strength for my children; having to serve as the target of my daughter’s anger at her father and about the divorce; and simply having no time alone to allow myself to feel.
The only emotion that was close to the surface was anger, but even this I had to suppress in my efforts to keep communication open between my ex-husband and my daughter, leaving it exploding at times when it became too much to keep in. It became harder to keep my anger in check when my son turned 19 and moved in with his father, leaving me without a buffer between my daughter and me. There was simply no space in my life for me to let go, let down my guard and feel.
Now, that my daughter is a 14-year old high school student and becoming more independent and spending more time with her friends, I’ve been left with time and space to access my feelings. After coming home from that yoga class, I did some meditation that surprisingly left me feeling happiness and joy in a deeper way. I literally felt my heart open up, allowing faith and hope and joy to enter.
What can you do to allow your heart to open up?
Dear Deb,
What a beautiful holiday post! Thank you for sharing your story. I am not suprised that you accessed old feelings through yoga. I am very grateful on your behalf, as this growth and integration will radiate forth from you and bless all who cross your path.
You asked how your readers allow their hearts to open up? I like to watch beautiful movies with noble ideals, like Babette’s Feast. I like to look at trees against the sky. I like to watch my little nephews at play. I try to be present, aware, as I gaze at my partner, Joseph, while he talks about something that animates him. Nothing as dramatic as the shedding of a wall, like you describe. But reconnecting to my heart through simple means keeps me happy.
Happy New Year!
Love,
Toni
Toni,
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Happy New Year to you too.
Love,
Deb
I’m now going through a study of human emotion: the primary expression being ‘Jesus wept! For more of such stuff we can plug into : http://www.ssnet.org/qrtrly/eng/11a/less01.html
I’m sure Deb that we can all benefit from the energizing effect of our emotions. However, we need to keep in mind that our emotions help create changes in our lives [personal, family, cultural, etc]. Change is wrought by energy being brought into or removed from a situation or event. Noting that energy flow is directional [positive or negative, i.e., adding to or withdrawing from the mix of things], we can direct our emotions/heart energy intelligently or accordingly to bring about the direction of change that we desire in our lives.
I’m conscious of directing my heart energy/emotional energy by directing my energy flows positively or negatively–i.e., adding more energy to help better a situation; or alternatively, with drawing my energy supply from a situation that is harmful or potentially harmful. We can do much harm or bring many benefits to our minds, bodies and spirits when we seek to direct such energies within such an intelligence framework.
Deb you have been coping well when we consider the full extent of the emotional waves that have impacted on your family as well as your inspirational life. Do keep pressing up and onwards!! You are strengthening and encouraging us to live fuller lives via your insightful and timely postings.
A familiar lament.
Anthony,
Yes, emotions are basically energy “in motion.” And, unless we allow them to move through us, we get stuck.
Thanks as always for your input and support.