Many of my coaching conversations center around difficult conversations. These are the conversations that my clients least want to have and, paradoxically, most need to have. We tend to avoid and disconnect from the individuals with whom we need to have a difficult conversation when instead we need to be engaging and connecting with them so as to enable dialogue and mutual learning. In other words, we often put our heads in the sand and hope the problem will go away.
Unfortunately, our fear of engaging often creates problems that are worse and/or that exacerbate invisible underlying problems. Many of the conversations my clients find difficult involve talking with subordinates about their performance when it is not satisfactory.
Clients say they don’t have these conversations because they don’t have the time or aren’t sure what to say. The real barrier to their having the conversation is fear. They fear:
- The conversation will be confrontational and lead to conflict
- They will destroy their relationship with the staff member
- The individual will quit and they will be left in the lurch
- They will hurt the person’s feelings
- They might find out they are part of the problem and/or unearth problems they don’t want to face
Their fear and discomfort can blind them to the consequences of failing to have the conversation which include:
- Other staff members become resentful that the person is not working at the same level of performance that they are this lowers morale and can lead to decreased commitment from other staff members
- The individual’s work continues to be performed at a substandard level and/or gets worse
- The individual in question never receives feedback letting her/him know that her/his performance is not satisfactory and never has a chance to develop professionally
- The client remains unaware of invisible problems that may be the real source of the staff member’s failure to perform that are out of that individual’s control
- The client never learns how they might be contributing to the problem
Moreover, the consequences of failing to have the conversation often include the very things that the client fears will happen if the conversation does take place:
- The problem gets worse and explodes into major conflict
- The client’s negative feelings about the staff member continue to build, eventually destroying the relationship
- The individual quits, leaving the organization unprepared and understaffed
- The individual is hurt that no one gave him/her constructive feedback
As Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations writes:
The very outcomes we fear if we confront someone’s behavior are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t. It will just take longer, and the results will likely occur at the worst possible moment, when we are least expecting it, with a huge price tag attached. (p. 137)
On the other hand, the results of constructively engaging in dialogue include:
- Improved performance by the staff member
- Less stress for the client
- Better capacity for team cohesion and commitment
- Professional development for the staff member
- Learning from the staff member about resources they need and have not been getting to be able to perform well
- An understanding on the part of the client about systemic issues contributing to the individual’s poor performance that would otherwise have gone unnoticed
- A stronger relationship between the two of them
Quilt of Humanity ModelTM
I use the Quilt of Humanity Metaphor with my clients to illustrate the negative impact of failing to engage in difficult conversations. The organization as a whole can be seen as a quilt. Each individual in the organization is a separate piece of cloth. When clients shy away from having the difficult conversations, it frays the connections between pieces of cloth in the organizational quilt that, over time, can grow into a gaping hole.
Engaging in the conversation, on the other hand, enhances the essential connection between the individuals involved. The conversation serves as the thread necessary to repair the fraying between the individual cloths, thus keeping the cloths and the organization as a whole in good shape.
What are some difficult conversations that you have been avoiding?