My ex-husband is Caribbean-American of African descent (from Barbados) so even though I am white, I know what it is like to raise two children of color. My almost twenty one year old son (he is my ex-husband’s child from a prior relationship, but since I raised him from the time he was five years old and he remained in my custody after the divorce, it is hard for me to call him a “step-son” – not to mention I dislike the term “step” child but that has to wait for another post) is chocolate brown in color and my eleven year old daughter’s skin color is what some might call cafe au lait.In raising my children, I have gained an intimate knowledge of how a parent’s worries differ based on their children’s skin color.
When my son was in the 6th grade, he and his peers began to take the subway by themselves to their middle school located on the other side of Brooklyn. All of the parents had concerns about their children’s safety would they get lost? Would they be molested? etc. Parents of boys of color had additional concerns, many of which are invisible to and/or unthinkable for parents of white boys would they be arrested for no reason? Would they be shot accidentally by a cop? When my son was in high school, like many other high school kids, he wore a bandana and baggy jeans.
Parents of white boys may have objected to their sons wearing bandanas and baggy jeans based on what they thought was appropriate attire for school.Parents of kids of color, however, had the additional concern of how wearing a bandana and baggy jeans would impact the impression police officers would get when seeing their son.When police officers see white boys dressed in bandanas and baggy jeans, they see what they consider to be typical teenagers. When they see tall brown-skinned young men wearing the same clothes, they see possible criminals and treat them accordingly.
Some white readers may wonder if I am exaggerating. I’m not. One night recently, I received a phone call at 11:20 pm from my son. He was calling from Central Booking in Queens, NY. A police officer had stopped him on the subway because he had walked in between two subway cars. When I was growing up, this was legal, although dangerous. It is now a violation of some kind of New York City Transit Department regulation.
Once the cops stopped him, they proceeded to check to see if he had any outstanding warrants issued against him.Well, it turns out that a few years ago, my son was issued a ticket for riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. This, like walking in between subway cars, was legal when I was a kid. In fact, my parents demanded that I ride on the sidewalk because they were afraid I might be hit by a car if I rode in the street. After my son received the ticket, he appeared in court on the date required. When he arrived, he was told that there was no record of his violation and that he could leave. But, apparently based on the record that was somehow then available to the police officer, a warrant had been issued for his arrest for his failure to appear in court.
As a result, my son was handcuffed and arrested in the same way as someone who had committed a violent crime.He ended up spending the night in jail, treated like a hardened criminal – all for having ridden his bicycle on the sidewalk 2 years ago.How many white parents consider it to be in the realm of possibility for their son to be handcuffed and arrested for riding their bike on the sidewalk and walking in between two subway cars?
Now, even if this did happen to a white boy, again the parents would have a different set of concerns. For a white parent, the main concern would be how to get their child out of jail as soon as possible. They would be able to have faith that the system would work that, as soon as the district attorney saw the child, he/she would dismiss the case and their child would be allowed to leave. Maybe there would be a fine, but there would be nothing else more serious than that.
For a parent of a young black man, there are additional concerns. Will police mistreat their son while he is in their custody? Will the district attorney move forward with the case? Will their son have a criminal record that would follow him forever? Did you know that a white man with a criminal records is more likely to get a job than a black man without a criminal record? Could a Jena 6 incident happen here in Brooklyn, New York? I think so.
The Quilt of Humanity ModelTM Approach: The Quilt of Humanity ModelTM illustrates the connections between skin color and experiences. The threads of color and the threads of personal experience are inextricably intertwined. Our skin color literally colors the experiences we have and are exposed to; we live in different worlds with different realities depending on our skin color.
Deb – your kids are lucky to have you as their Mom, regardles of their/your color. This post has cut to the core of the problems we have with inequality in our society. I don’t know if it will ever be different – unless we education one person at a time to situations like what you illustrated here.
hi ,
I remember that morning when this incident took place. I was staying with you . I cant describe the feelings i went through , anger , anguish sadness , rage .I realized the extent to which racism exists even today . I am glad that you wrote this . a dialoue is important around these issues .
Deb, as a parent of a teenage African American son, I too can attest to the truth you speak about differential treatment across race. My son’s white teachers have always feared his taller than average size since elementary to high school. I had a similar experience as a tall black girl while in high school. Fear of skin color, height, and form of expression is a social construct. In other words, we human beings made up and attached the emotion “fear” to these things. For race groups that have been targets for discrimination, this is demoralizing experience. To be treated, with support of culture, as though you don’t matter, makes walking on this earth painful steps.
As the mother of three African-American boys, I understand completely what you describe in your blog.
As my boys are getting older, I find that even the attitudes neighbors in the building we have lived in for 10 years has begun to change. My oldest son is now 10 and a half — his best friend in the building was a white girl of the same age. But as he left the “cute little boy who happend to be black” age range between 1 and 6 and started approaching the “hmm, this little black boy is getting older” age range of 7+ — I noticed the parents of the young lady stopped encouraging play dates. My husband and I found that we had to introduce our son to the issues of race and race relations and explain how people’s attitudes towards him might change towards him as he gets older and walks down the street (and not just from people of other races, but also from people within his own race).
My son’s favorite color is red — we have to discourage him from wearing too much red for fear that he will be mistaken as a gang member. We have had to have conversations with him that begin with, “if you are ever stopped by the police….” How many parents of white boys have to have this conversation with their 10-year old??!!
There is a constant fear I live with thinking about my boys ever coming into contact with the NYPD in any way, shape, or form. Even as I tell my younger ones, “Yes, cops are our friends, yes go to a cop if you need help.” In the back of mind, I know there is a day where I will have to tell them to be wary of cops, keep your hands in clear eyesight whenever you talk to a cop, always remember their badge number, and so on…..
Is it fair – no, but it’s what parents with children of color have had to cope w/ since before Jim Crow.
You’ve given me food for thought. My son just left for college in the early fall. I never worried much about him getting arrested for something he didn’t do, or for the way he dressed, because he is white. However there were metal detectors at the high school he attended, and he was constantly stopped and often had his backpack searched because he was carrying a word processor device he was given by the DOE in order to help him take notes and take tests despite his poor handwriting. He told me that there were other kids who were pushed up against a wall and roughly handled by the security cops when they walked through the metal detector and set it off. They, too, could have been carrying something innocuous, but they were treated like potential criminals. He didn’t specify whether they were African-American kids but I would not be surprised.
On the other hand, my son and I were subjected to vicious treatment in a McDonald’s once when he was injured, by a gang of African-American kids who decided to hassle us while I was trying to give him first aid, and the manager refused to call the police. Coincidentally, he was African-American too. It’s not only a question of your color alone that colors your experience, it’s also where you are in relation to your skin color. If you are in the “wrong” neighborhood, you are in danger. It shouldn’t be that way either. Clearly, if you are white and your sons are not, then at all times someone was in a precarious situation. That must be a very difficult position to be in.
It would have been nice to think that 40 years after the Civil Rights movement these issues would be put to bed, but sadly, they are not.
Deb, how provocative. I am so sorry this happened to your son. I love your website. Thanks. Keep up the good work. Lee Moore (Nicky & Eden’s mom)
Hello Deb! Actually the more awful fact is: a white H.S. drop-out with a criminal record is more likely to get a job than a black H.S. grad without a criminal record.
Deb,
Your story is moving and poignant. I suppose I take for granted the things I know I have to tell my son. Keep speaking your truth, it appears many are listening.
Thanks Aaron,
It is sad that people of color have to “take for granted” the things they need to tell their kids while those of us who are white can take for granted not having to.
Deb