I saw a wonderful documentary recently, Forgiving Mengele (2006 directed by Bob Hercules and Cheri Pugh). This film follows Auschwitz survivor Eva Mozes Kor. Eva, along with her twin sister, was one of the many twins subjected to inhumane experiments by Dr. Mengele. The film focuses on her decision to forgive Mengele as part of her own empowerment and healing process to enable her to let go and move on with her life.
Eva stated:
“Just to be free from the Nazis that did not remove the pain they had inflicted upon me. There might be an other way that survivors can heal themselves. I have found one way: forgive your worst enemy. It will heal your soul and it will set you free.
I found it sad how many people, particularly other Holocaust survivors, reacted to her decision. Many people were angered, feeling that it was not her place to forgive him or seeing her decision as in some way taking away Mengele’s responsibility or condoning what he did. Some felt that forgiveness was not possible unless the individual being forgiven had repented for what they had done and asked for forgiveness. Still others felt that while we should seek justice, only God has the power to forgive. It was difficult for many of them to see that forgiveness is not about the perpetrator. It is about letting go of anger and hatred that will otherwise control your life. I see forgiveness not as a gift to the perpetrator but as a gift to oneself that enables individuals to heal and move forward. In my book, The Quilt of Humanity: A Metaphor for Healing and Reparation, I write about how forgiveness of a family member was essential to my own healing and well-being. Not to forgive leaves one as a prisoner to one’s anger and resentment.
As Catherine Ponder, minister of the Unity Church writes:
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
Who do you need to forgive and how will it liberate your life?
For more on forgiveness, see Part 2 on Forgiving the Past vs. Being Able to Empathize in the Present.
Thank you, Deb, for this brilliant and eternally timely piece. Eva’s decision to forgive Mengele reflects a depth of wisdom and strength that fly in the face of people’s reflexive tendency to hold on to anger, fear and pain. That is indeed sad, since forgiveness is a magnificent healing force that can only come from oneself. As you say, it is first and foremost “a gift to oneself.” Thank you for this powerful reminder.
Yours,
Michael
Thanks Michael. Always great to hear from you.
Deb
Good reminder of how one could empower self through forgiving! Holding the pain is self-defeating.
Lovely blog, my friend. We need to catch up…I’ve been caught up in Los Angeles, praying to move from here soon…
Some of my faves on forgiveness are-
True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for giving me that experience” – Dr. Michael Beckwith
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die – Malachy McCourt
Keng Choo, great to hear from you. Holding pain is self-defeating, isn’t it? Instead of empowering ourselves, we end up continuing to empower the individual who brought us pain.
Amneh, it has been way too long since we spoke. We do need to catch up. Thanks for the quotes.
Thank you Deb for sending out this link to your powerful book. Looking forward to reading it and absorbing some of the wisdom. Wondering if you are having the book published in other languages? Spanish? I know it would be helpful to a few family members who could really get something out of your book. Hope to see you soon. Keep meditating.
Hey Paulina,
What a delight to hear from you. I hadn’t thought about having the book translated but it’s definitely food for thought.
All the best,
Deb
Forgiveness is a powerful set of emotions, and your piece details how it works. I have found that forgiving is wonderful, but forgetting is even better. It may be an incomplete solution, but I’m not sure I want to forget completely. I do not feel I am stuck emotionally, as the pain is part of the forgetting process. Summoning up the memory does not necessarily bind me to the original event; it serves as a placeholder that allows me to remain wise to the ills of the world, with anecdotal evidence to boot. It is good to forgive, and also good to forget.
Thanks Lee. To me forgiving is about letting go. It’s about no longer obsessing about an event/circumstance. I don’t think forgetting is necessarily a part of that. It’s about detaching from the emotions about the event/circumstance that are toxic to us.
Powerful, Deb. I will be spending time pondering this issue in my own life.
Our daughter was murdered by her partner and her siblings are stuck in their anger – gives the perpetrator free rent in their heads.
The broader issue is cogent, also, and a big leap to forgiveness requires some
preliminary acceptance of what was/is.
Thanks you so much for this gift of awareness.
Dale,
I am so sorry to hear that. I cannot imagine how painful that must be. Your words about “[giving] the perpetrator free rent in their heads” is so on point. That serves only to re-inflict the pain and makes it impossible to move forward, leaving one a lifelong prisoner of the perpetrator. The forgiveness is an act of self-nurturance, not as in any way excusing what has taken place.
My heart goes out to you.
Love,
Deb
Thank you, Deb. Powerful stuff. I see Lee’s point, but I wonder if forgiving isn’t the first step toward letting go so that one can forget completely.
Jim, that’s an interesting thought. For me the focus is on forgiveness. Forgetting may come but it’s not the goal.