Fear is the root of evil. Well, if not evil the root of a lot of ineffective and non-constructive behavior.
When we are afraid, we find ways, mentally, emotionally, psychologically (and in certain instances even physically) to protect ourselves. In circumstances in which our survival is at stake, we utilize defense mechanisms that serve the important purpose of enabling us to cope with what is happening and survive.
I know that in response to traumatic experiences in my past, I engaged in a whole range of defense mechanisms including denial, emotional numbing, disassociation, and probably a few others. At the time, my body and soul was doing what it needed to get me to the other side as emotionally and spiritually whole as possible.
However, often long after traumatic experiences are finished, some of the defense mechanisms that served us well at the time, continue to operate when they are no longer needed. And, rather than serving a positive purpose survival – they become maladaptive.
For example, there were times when my daughter became frustrated and angry and started screaming at me that my defense mechanisms would sense an attack and jump into play. I would end up feeling emotionally numb and unable to interact constructively with my daughter. My defenses were no longer serving me well, but were in fact creating an obstacle for me. To help my daughter deal with what she was going through, I had to be able to interact effectively with her. But, instead of being able to see the hurt and fear underlying her anger, and engage and connect with her, all I was capable of seeing and feeling was the anger, leaving me emotionally cut off from her and unable to empathize with what she was going through.
In my work with clients, I see that fear often plays a destructive role with them as well.
In fact, fear is the primary reason that clients do not engage in the critical conversations they need to have. Their fear fear of being seen as incompetent, fear of hurting someone’s feeling, fear of losing their job, etc. overrides all else.
However, by avoiding critical conversations, inevitably their fears come true. They end up being seen as incompetent because they were afraid to have a conversation outlining why what had been asked of them was untenable. They end up hurting someone’s feelings because the conversations they are not having verbally seep out in nonverbal and ineffective ways. Or, they end up setting themselves up for failure, which can lead to their losing their jobs.
How do you see fear play out in your interactions and relationships?
To read more about fear, see Part Two in the Fear is the Root of All Evil Series
Debra–I felt alot of connection to your comments about fear. In dealing with alot of resentment and anger with a sibling, we have increasingly been cut off from hr on a verbal and emotional level. I realize that alot of the anger is rooted in dissapointment with her tratment of me and my kids. She is now dealing with a life threatening illness and I am atte,mpting to reconnect and have those important conversations that have never occurred because of those resentments I speak of.
Bruce,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s illness. What I can say based on my own experience is moving past the resentment to a place of forgiveness is the only way to heal fully. Sometimes the best gift we can give each other is authentically sharing from our hearts which takes courage.
I wish you all the strength you need.
Deb
Greetings Deb-
Thanks very much for another very thoughtful piece. Over the past few years I’ve found myself coming to the belief that most negative, hurtufl actions in our world- whether greed, bigotry, violence, war, insecurity, etc.- can be traced back to fear, and that at the root of every good thing in our world is love.
I haven’t any science to back up my sense of this being the case, but as usual your words affirm and expand my thinking in the best possible way.
Warmest Regards,
Michael
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.(Frank Herbert from the works of Dune)
Deborah this quote has all was spoken to me it speaks to the self destruction of fear and the multiple deaths it causes in the form of seperation, hurt
(continued ) distance , lack of intention , self doubt etc. The ability to let the fear pass over and through so that the true “you” remains is what we must lean.
peace, love and hair grease
Michael,
I agree – love is at the root of all good things.
As always, great to hear from you.
Deb
Wow, Nelson,
You’ve made me want to re-read Dune. I loved that series. :)
But seriously, that is a great quote. When we let fear rule over us, we destroy our potential, our happiness, and our true (and better) selves.
Thanks.
Deb
I’ve recently had to look for a new job, and I see that Fear holds me back often. I feel fear that I’m not good enough, not qualified, made all the wrong decisions in the past about career moves, etc. Or I get afraid to network, to call people and ask for advice or counsel, although I know that in general most are happy to spend a little time being generous. When I let go of the fear (or as Herbert said, permit it to pass over me) I can take action.
thanks for the reminder,
ed
Ed,
Fear is paralyzing, isn’t it?
Thanks,
Deb
The other day, my daughter (middle schooler) was looking miserable out of frustration towards one of her friends at school. While I couldn’t advise her well for weeks about the same issue, my husband stepped up and had a talk with her about fear that they commonly have (that’s what they think they do) and discussed how they can overcome it. For them, I am a fearless creature who is not afraid of speaking her mind.
My daughter, who is very considerate and sensitive, often does not voice her frustrations to other children because of fear, while she can be critical of others in her mind. Then she explodes one day (often only at home). My husband says he understands her very well, and he thinks it is fear that controls her action (not saying, then exploding, but still being afraid of hurting or annoying someone). He suggests her to think that it is ok to have fear. He says that she cannot simply get rid of it, and no one can say fear is the absolute bad thing because sometimes that is what makes people kind, considerate and modest. They discuss how they can learn to comfortably live with it or control it rather than being controlled by it. He says that knowing and accepting that he is a fearful type gives him some inner power and helps him to keep his calm, which then will improve his relationship with others in both mental and observable worlds. I have witnessed how he changed over the years (and so did our relationship, while I remained pretty much the same and spoke my mind bluntly!) -so the effectiveness of his method I must say is proven.
After the talk with her dad, my daughter felt empowered and emailed to a friend of hers who was haunting her for a while at the school. She showed it to me and it was pretty straightforward (to the extent that even I began worrying a bit). But she felt so good after voicing herself. A reply came shortly after, and to her (and my) surprise, through a few email exchanges, they led themselves to a peaceful reconciliation. None of the dreadful consequences that she was imagining happened. It is rather a small event and I am aware that fear creates much deeper and complicated cuts in people’s minds, especially when it is relationships among family members. But starting from an everyday little thing may be a helpful thing…
“let the fear pass over and through” is a profound phrase, indeed.
Thanks Deb for this inspiring posting and thanks people for your thoughtful comments. And thanks for reading this long comment!
Reiko
Reiko,
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I agree, fear is inevitable. The goal can’t be to eliminate it. Sometimes fear plays a necessary role and when it doesn’t, if we try to eliminate it we are only suppressing something that is going to raise its head somewhere else.
So. cliche as it sounds, we have to face and acknowledge our fears but not allow them to rule us.
Thanks Reiko,
Deb
Hi Deb!
Reading this was so profound for me. I am coming out of a very dark place emotionally, but allowing “the fear pass over and through”. Love to you and Maya and hope to see you soon.
Lee Moore
Hey Lee,
Wonderful to hear from you! Hope you are beginning to see the light.
Big hug.
Deb